% complete

42

Preview of Novel. (13000 words)

Chapter 8

www.paidsurveys.com/login

login: iantrouble

password: ******

Welcome to the members area of the site. Pretty soon you will be eligible to earn real money completing surveys for our clients. Our clients value the opinions of ordinary hard working human beings like you. The first step is to complete one of the introductory surveys you will find below and send us the results so that we can build up a picture of which demographic group you belong to. It should take no longer than 5 – 40 minutes depending on the survey you take and your reading ability and length of your answers. Please select a survey to take:

1. Your Household

2. Products that you use

3. Important events in your life

4. Sports and lesiure

5. Politics and power

6. Your job

Important Events in your life.

Please answer the following questions as honestly as possible. If you do not answer honestly you will not be eligible for any money.

When did you leave school? - Over five years ago.

Why did you leave school? - To be a salesman and make a lot of money selling tubes.

Do you have a job? - Yes I sell tubes.

Have you moved away from home? - Yes

Why did you choose to move away from home? - I found living with my parents difficult and wanted my independence.

Have you ever had a life threatening injury/disease? - No, although I fell out of a swing when I was young which was quite close to a road.

Are you currently suffering from a terminal disease/Do you expect to die soon? - No!

Does anyone in your family have any life threatening diseases? - My daughter is a tube.

Do you have any grandchildren? - No

When are you going to get pregnant? - N/A

Please do not answer any questions with N/A, our clients need full answers that truly reflect your personality and needs. Please answer again.

When are you going to get pregnant – Never, I am a man.

Please do not answer any questions with Never, we don't know what is going to happen in life. Please answer again.

When are you going to get pregnant? - As soon as possible.

What is the achievement in your life of which you are most proud? - Never taking drugs.

Have you ever been the victim of Hurricane Katrina? - Indirectly. When that many people die, the whole world suffers.

Have you ever been the victim of any other generic natural disasters? - Minor earthquake which I didn't notice was going on but in the morning a tree had fallen on my car.

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be in a coma and thought that maybe being in a coma wouldn't be so bad? - No

Do you often think about comas? - No

Have you ever thought about the best way to induce a coma? - No

Have you ever wondered about the mental experiences of someone who is in a coma? - Yes

Have you ever thought that your whole life is your own dream and that you are in a coma? - No

How do you think time is perceived whilst in a coma? - Slowly I suppose.

Do you have any children? - Yes, one girl, tube shape, indeterminate age.

Thank you for completing the survey. You are not eligible for any future surveys and have earned no money. Your account will be deleted shortly.

www.lastdayatwork.com

today is my last day at work
www.ifeelodd.com
www.notanormal.com
//intranet.com

www.idon'tknowwhat'sgoingon.com

blistering return to the womb

i look at the screen for a long time maybe two hours or longer. i am not sure where the screen ends and where the physical world begins. my screen is physical but also has an intellectual connection with my mind.

my screen has a physical connection to my mind. my screen is a single glowing panel. it creates light, or rather it converts electrical energy into luminescence.

i am watching luminescent patterns appear on my screen. lumen is an ancient word for light. light was the same a thousand years ago although it didn't often come from a screen.

thousands of years ago people had different jobs to the jobs that we do today. i think i would have been a gladiator thousands of years ago. i watch the light on my screen change in reaction to the movements of my fingers.

my fingers want to hold a sword and stab animals and get covered in blood. i want to wipe animals blood over my face and shout.

only joking.

i am happy manipulating a keyboard and watching the light change on my screen.

World of Wordcount

7501

I am going to make

a new MMORPG

it is called "world of wordcount"

Break from updates

Poem:

every time i look in a mirror
i think
i wish that there was not a mirror here
and i didn't look like that
and that that man would stop standing threateningly behind me
whenever i look in a mirror
it's freaking me out

Everything's Fine word count update.

5064

Everything's Fine Word Count Update

4456

Everything's Fine wordcount update:

4454

MONETISE

i am on my way to the the barbers. i have cut my own hair for the past three years but it is time to grow up.

i want to cry.

i arrive at the barber shop and i wait for a while and then i sit in the chair. the barber starts to look at my hair. he is making a face. he touches my hair with his hands and then recoils with a look of disgust on his face.

he lets out a noise 'aeurgh'.

he lets out his voice 'who cut this last mate?'

i say 'no one'

he says 'what do you mean?'

i say 'just cut it' - i am not very good at talking to people

he says 'i'm not doing it unless you pay me £50'

i say ok

I HAVE BEEN MONETISED

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRISPIN BEST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

exciting story

so the mother had an affair with a school teacher who had a secret crush on the mother's daughter who is quite young but not young enough for it to be illegal although it may be immoral so he was only have a relationship with the mother to get closer to the daughter.

pretty steamy stuff.

this is the kind of life that we all wish we could lead and also we all want to be famous and have lovely slender arms and legs. let's all excite each other.

women

i have been sitting across the table from the snail for around 15 minutes. i am staring him out.

the snail has retracted into his shell and has not come out for 10 minutes.

like so many before it, the disagreement that lead to this situation had been created because of a woman.

she likes me - i am sure of it. what has the snail got that i don't have? she can't like him. i might be in love with her.

the snail is still not moving and it's getting late. but i am not going to back down over this.

the snail comes out of his shell and casually slimes off of the table.

i think i might have been staring at the wrong snail.

it was definitely the wrong snail.

i feel so stupid.

four hours in the future i am going to catch the snail having sex with her and crush him in a fit of jealous passion.

2 months later i will be in prison.

good bye life.

ultra failure

before you know it all of the time that you thought you had has gone elsewhere.

all that is around is a whining scream and disappointment.

i am sitting on a wet, slick and rotting tree stump. there is a square of earth around the rotting tree stump: around that is asphalt. my legs dangle and bounce on and off the tree stump.

the tree stump is in my primary school playground. the tree stump is a tombstone.

a slight but noticeable difference

a room and two people i am one of them you are the other

there is a difference in the air

i am older and not quite the same

you have somehow remained constant and mathematical

a crumb of tender thought falls from your lips to your lap

the modern lives we lead have powdered your tenderness

the modern lives we lead have dessicated our joy

we need moisture.

the full stop means that is the end of the poem. the word poem and porn are dangerously close together on a modern plastic keyboard. that is not a clever insinuation. how can i describe in words the patterns of colour in my mind?

red and blue and grrrrrrrrrrreen

i am lying on my bed and looking straight up into heaven. you should see it. i looks like candy floss. you have come over to talk about things. i don't want to talk about things i just want to look straight up into heaven through the clouds and into all of the people that have died.

you tap me on the head with the small hammer of a judge and suddenly everything seems opaque and not real.

'wake up'

my body is refusing simple commands

i am called into my master's office. my master is waiting for me. he is not happy to have waited for me.

'why did you keep me waiting?'

i curl up into a ball and sit on the table in front of my boss while i cry. i feel as though my whole life is a series of mistakes.

my master gently massages my back and tells me that he cares for me and that i am a good worker. he tells me that everyone has troubles sometimes and that i am really ok. he tells me that things aren't that bad.

my boss has chalk on his hands and he traces patterns onto my shoulders. i sob enigmatically. i am a clockwork creature.

my boss lays a row of sweets on the floor which lead into a box. i melt down onto the floor and hoover up the sweets with my mouth while my boss rides me like a surf board. i arrive in the box that has much shredded newspaper.

i live in the box for two months.

serious writing

i am now a serious writer.

everything i do is measured and beautiful.

i stop people dead in their tracks with the elegance and beauty and economy of every sentence that i speak/write.

a woman passed out once because of the sophisticated way i said 'good morning'.

i am a voiced plosive.

novel

i am now writing a novel.

the novel is called 'everything's fine'.

it will never be released.

do not try and rescue my novel.

i am also working on another 'secret thing'.

please do not try and ask about my secret thing.

if you find out about the secret thing, please do not tell anyone about the secret thing.

Peppanpine

Sung to the tune of 'When I'm Cleaning Windows'

Now I've been eating pizza,
For such a long time,
And my favourite topping,
Is the humble Peppanpine.

The richest cheese,
Peppers to please,
Pineapple why thankyou not squeezed,
Pepperoni a delicious tease,
On a Peppanpine Pizza.

what's your problem?

my favourite breakfast is VX nerve gas/liquid on toast.

i eat it and think 'this is delicious'. 

VX nerve gas/liquid is very very toxic and smells of peaches or other sickly sweet fruits.

VX nerve gas/liquid was discovered in wiltshire in england which is in britain which is part of europe sort of.

the V in VX stands for 'very' i think. the X stands for X-treme. this is a bastardisation.

i am going to put VX nerve gas/liquid into the coffee machine at work. i am going to put VX nerve gas/liquid into all of my co-worker's coffee. 

i am going to smear the ebola virus onto the the doughnuts that my work colleagues eat. 

i am going to lace my porridge with hepatitis. 

i am going to powder some razor blades and put them on my bosses comb so that he accidently cuts all of his hair off.

i am going to slowly tear apart the world that i live in and pour acid on the rubble so that i can drink it up like a bloated and corpulent fly.

i am going to consume everything and then collapse.

send me a postcard

i am lying down on a bed that is so hard that it hurts my body to lie on it. 

i am on holiday.

the reason i am on holiday is because i was fired from my work place. 

let me explain.

my work place is a terrible place. my work involves strapping myself to a pole and being rotated above a fire for 8 hours a day. 

i am a professional kebab. 

i smother myself with mint sauce and chilli sauce. i put chilli sauce in my eyes. i shove salad into my orifices. then i do a dance for my boss. i am dressed up as a kebab. i am a succulent and submissive naked kebab. 

i am so greasy and delicious.

but i have had enough. 

my boss is eyeing me up as i put the sauces on to myself. he is eyeing me up and licking his lips and saying 'you are so hot kebab' and 'you are the hottest kebab in town'. 

i feel so sad. normally i like his compliments. but not today. the sauces are congealing all over my glazed and delicious body.

i feel worthless. i start to cry. i am sobbing in front of my boss. i collapse onto the floor and scream and scream 'i am not a fucking kebab i am a human being i am not a meal'.

my boss watches me.

'you are a kebab' he says.

'you are a delicious kebab' he says.

i am still crying and my boss is still eyeing. my boss pulls out a knife. he stabs me. i cry all the way to hospital.

after two weeks in hospital i get a note from my boss. it says 'you are fired' on it.

oh dear.

anxiety

panic panic panic panic panic
panic
panic
panic panic
panic
panic
panic panic panic panic
panic panic panic panic panic
panic panic panic panic panic
panic panic panic panic panic
panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic panic
panic
panic
panic panic
panic
panic
panic panic
panic panic
panic panic
panic panic
panic panic
panic panic panic panic panic
panic panic
panic panic
panic panic
panic

interview

hooray i have been interviewed

ryan manning did it

he is an electronic and human enigma

he is made only of pulsating flesh and fibre-optic cord

he is my hero

interactive quiz

1. what's the point?

2. is it ok to not be fine?

3. do i need to carry on forever?

4. how long for toast?

5. give me an idea of how to live.


Please answer these questions.

oh woe

the small beetle is crawling over the foot of the man.

the man shrugs his shoulders and puts on a mask. the mask is like the face of a beetle. the man hisses with powerful anger. the beetle on the man's foot hisses with powerful anger.

the man is the father of the beetle . he is scuttling around on his belly, scuffing his clothes and dirtying his face.

ding dong door bell. no more make believe for the man, his delivery is here. he scuttles to the door and slowly pulls himself up to maximum height. it looks like his head is being pulled upwards by a silver thread.

his dinner is there.
a plate of chicken and pies.
the food turns into a mass of maggots in front of his eyes.

MS paint

watch this the whole way through if you like

tonight

is the night of 'there's no point in not being friends with someone if you want to be friends with them'.

crispin is coming up from london and staying at my house.

i am going to give him one million kisses.

powerful resonance

I am talking to you. There is a feeling.

The feeling is something that we have created together, because of the things we have been talking about. The feeling makes a noise like white noise. It is like the noise that you hear when you are very still and there is no noise. Someone has taken that noise and amplified it until it is very large and round and fills the space between us.

We sit opposite each other.

I stare at your face and you stare at mine. There is a mania between us.

I look at your face and do not recognise it. There are patches of white and shade on your face. They correspond to the shape of your face in the context of the light in the room. When you blink shadows and tears fall down your face.

Your lips move and you blink and I see that you are very very sad. You give away your emotions in the shape of the features of your face. I marvel at the way in which your features all work together so nicely. I notice that you are sad and it has an effect on me. The sadness that you feel directly alters my mood.

There is a breeze. It moves your hair slightly and makes me cold.

I want to scream and thrash around and then leave. I want you to look at me and shout at me. I want to break something over my head and cut the skin on my face.

I am lying in my bed imagining these things. I think that I am not OK. I think that I am definitely not quite fine.

I go down to the kitchen and pour out one kilogram of salt onto the surface of the kitchen unit. I find the knife that I use to slice up the salt and I slice up the salt into equal sections. I still feel the rush of adrenaline as I slice through the salt with my knife.

Twenty minutes after I have sliced the salt, 500 snails throw themselves onto it and fizzle to death.

twitter

i am on twitter now.

i am starting a new religion.

it is the only true religion.

please join us. we are the 'Harmonic Wanderers.'

intolerable heat and feverish hallucination

I am sitting in a small dark room and I am very very very hot. The heat is entering the room from the walls. It is radiating inwards and heating me. I have arranged four fans around me blasting me. They are blasting dry and hot air at me.

I am sweating and wretched. I have nearly sweated all of the moisture out of my body. I feel a red vibration all around me. The walls are humming with a crimson vibration.

I have no strength left. I am starting to enjoy feeling this way. I have no control over anything any more and I feel liberated.

I feel like my parchment skin is about to catch aflame. I am covered with corrugated iron and my insides are asbestos. The most terrible things are happening to me. Oh. An incoming call. "Good afternoon I am dying." "I am trapped in a small room." "Can you somehow help me" "I think there are some ants in here with me." "My skin is falling off."

I need the toilet so I let myself out of the room for a minute.

I let myself back into the room. I curl up slowly and rotate into nothingness.

Short Film Competition

Would you like to enter a short film competition?
Do you live in Manchester?
If the answer is yes to both of these probing questions please send me an e-mail or comment on this post.

P.S I am floating on a cloud of terror.

self improvement

I am standing very still on one leg in the middle of my room and there is a calming and beautiful music wafting through the air. The music is Enya.

I am imagining sailing away on a silver moon beam. I am imagining sliding on a moonbeam while standing serenly on one leg all the way to the centre of the sun.

What strange human relationships will I experience on my journey into the centre of the sun? I will meet professionals and vagrants, mothers and young children, introverts and racconteurs. Each human relationship will have no meaning, but a singular texture.

I see that the lines on my face and hands increase in severity as I approach the sun.

I feel as though I am a scientific phenomena. I glace at my heads up display. Systems nominal. Speed = 1,000,000 Mph.

This reminds me of a trip to toramelinos. Or benidorm. But less exotic.

Oh. I have arrived at the centre of the sun. Oh, God lives here!

Fancy that!

After my trip to the sun I sit, tired, on my sofa. What a day out!

business deal

does anyone want to buy the username and password to my blog for £50,000?

you can own your very own blog for just £50,000.

please help me to live my life for just £50,000.

Good Things about This Blog:

1. Have fun changing the picture now and then.
2. Have the chance to write funny things, sad things and pretty things.
3. Average between 3-7 comments per post.
4. Get around 30-60 unique visits a day.
5. Have the fun of constantly checking the blog to see if there are any new comments.
6. Be a loser.

Ok so anyone who wants it - just £50,000.

outdoorsman

Just going for a lovely walk somewhere.

Going to go and cut down trees to make a fire.

There are no trees in manchester.

The place is like a grave.

The only colour is grey.

There is a metal tree in manchester.

A metal tree.

Are you joking?

and come here

There is a river somewhere near the place you grew up which always reminds you of memories of your father and siblings. Even if those memories are very difficult to make into something certain, they exist on the fringes of your awareness, lurking.

Running water and thick mud. Snails and woodlice. Making a fire and roasting sticks on the fire. Making things from leaves. Not feeling alone. Being a part of nature being apart from nature.

Someone can come and lift you bodily out of the mud and place you in the field next to your house or the road next to your house and you can play with them and jump over a rope or kick a ball and be a part of the physical universe.

Children are part of the physical universe. I am a part of the non physical universe. My body is made into a paste and my mind is under nourished. Everyone gets old and is no longer part of the physical universe. Athletes are not part of the physical universe.

No one who is a grown up loves the physical universe.

The date is irrelevant

Is it OK to want to be in a Coma?

I think that if I could lie down and be looked after I would be ok. I don't really want to be a burden on anyone else. I wonder what the images inside my mind would be like if I was in a coma.

Perhaps there wouldn't be any images inside my head. Perhaps the most tragic and upsetting images from the entirety of my life would play on a loop in my head.

I would not like to be in a coma if the most tragic and upsetting images from the entirety of my life played on a loop. It would be like I wasn't in a coma which is the not the point of me being in a coma.

I am trying to think of the best and most simple way to get into a coma. Perhaps the best way is to somehow asphyxiate myself to a certain degree. I don't think that I can bring myself to do this. I don't think that I really want to do anything bad to myself.

I think I just like the idea of being totally seperate from everything else that isn't me. I want to scream out as loudly as possible in a room that is totally isolated from everyone else. I would like to have a safe and controlled way to remove the mundane thoughts from my mind. I think that many thoughts are all mundane.

My social interactions are often not quite as excellent as I would like to be. I think that people often will keep going for a while until they understand me a bit better and then I am ok. But I don't think that people should have to do that. It seems unfair. It seems to be a burden.

I don't think that this is going anywhere. I don't know whether this is the correct place. My heart is not beating with an electronic rhythm. The circuit boards inside me are meshing with the organic matter again. Tendons are copulating with batteries and birthing an odd creature. My brain is covered in tin foil.

I am self-obsessed. I feel guilty for writing here.

Men has been unleashed

People have been receiving their Men Books. I did the illustrations for it. I think that anyone who likes the stupid rubbish that I write will love the stupid rubbish that Crispin writes.

Chris Killen famous author and magnificent man-child with huge muscles, has written a review of it.

Here is that review.

If you send an e-mail to Crispin he will maybe do another print run. Everyone should e-mail crispin regardless of whether they want a copy of the book or not. Crispin is lonely and slips into patterns of self-hating behaviour if people don't e-mail him.

I give you permission to e-mail crispin.

Cambodia

An immense feeling of melancholy.




Is anything getting better?

A twisting tumble into despair

My life has become more and more strange. I feel increasingly detached, almost totally detached. Maybe a small part of my wrist is still attached.

The rest of me feels great - descending. I am looking through the ventian blinds onto on odd scene. There are twelve people auditioning to be my british best friend.

They have the bodies of sexy women but have my bosses face. Oh dear it is so hard to choose which one is my favourite british best friend. They all tell me that they are real and not fake.

There is a tube to my left that is being gripped by my hand. If I pull it down it will release the ants.

I release the ants.

The ants eat the british best friends. I am safe behind the venetian blinds.

There is a small protest group forming amongst the viscera of my british best friends. They all hold up cards that say 'murder is murder'. They are screaming at me.

I release the ants.

There is a list of things that are not true and i am going through them with my ants and eradicating them. I am eradicating fallacy. I am so angry about ignorance. The ants are resonating.

Don't ignore ants.

They are crawling over my wrist.

i am david

everyone knows david, right?

you know? little david?

no?

let's meet him.



this is the incredible thing i was involved in.

i made it with good old chris.

we are both very proud, like parents. like lovely and proud parents.

david is our suckling baby.

Sensational

My body is floating in a long line of bodies on the way to the incinerator.

I am chatting to the body next to me - we are two by two - like animals into the ark. I can't turn my head because of the spike that is in my head.

"So, what are you here for?"

"Well - it's a long story."

"What happened?"

"I accidentally launched a baby."

This is the first time I have spoken to someone who isn't my boss for a long time.

A raven swoops down onto my stomach and looks at me. He has a moustache and is singing a happy song.

You are my one true love/
You make me smile/
Would you give me your love/
As I defile/

I am suddenly reminded of the rest of my life except for this psychotic episode. I am trapped in the toilet at work, crying. Sobs are erupting from me.

I am crying because I have finally had an emotional response to the treatment I receive at my work place. I will do something about it.

I keep thinking to myself that it is my own fault. I am crying and eating crisps. I am eating salt and vinegar crisps. They have a melancholic flavour. It is a very big bag of crisps - my tears are making them into a mush.

Thoughts of revolution and quiet rebellion surge inside of me. Freedom and fun can be mine - I can be human again. I can feel things in the normal way. I can achieve all of this very shortly.

I rub the vinegar mush into my face.

When I return to the office I am asked why I have taken such a long time.

I say that I fell into some crisps and it hurt my eyes.

I sit down at my pod and join the bodies on the way to the incinerator.

Please watch this immediately.

This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This

I have never felt so proud/happy/weird.

Something very special

I am involved in the creation of something very very very special.

Trust me.

This is going to be very very very special.

I hope you are excited.

I am

a writer who doesn't write anything

sitting on my sofa feeling lost

getting fatter and fatter every day

not capable

thinking about the time someone came up to me and got me worried

repellant

not asking anything of anyone

totally all over it like a rash, tell me what to do and i will achieve it i don't know why no one takes me seriously take me seriously i cannot sustain the level of quality over a long period of time that i can display over a short period of time what is the point in any of this what is the point i am losing my sense of irony and buying into a load of crap gowgnw